Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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