I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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