I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
