just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
