I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
