I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
