So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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