remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
