Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
