Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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