I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
