i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
