Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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