well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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