batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
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did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
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Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
This can only be settled by a dance off.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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