you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
