Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
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It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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