I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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