i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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