I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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