My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
