I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
