Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
