life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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