How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
