i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
