I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
