Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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