i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
