Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
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I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
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It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.