dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?