shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
