I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
