How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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