Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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