I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
