Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
