I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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