please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
