I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
