I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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