I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
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