The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
