how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
