I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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