There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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