it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
