I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
