meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
