elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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