Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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