Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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