id be glad to
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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