Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
