i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
