do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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