Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
