Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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