1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
