Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Randomize
