I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
