I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
